Monday, November 28, 2016

Pregnancy Loss

Recently, one of my oldest and dearest friends reached out to me after receiving her sad news. She waited until after my birthday because she didn't want me worrying about her.  That is so her, always thinking of others, even in her own time of need. She was devastated and feeling like she wouldn't be able to get past this and confided in me, as I had gone through this eleven years ago. Eleven long years ago and two children since, but I will never forget how it felt. Everyone deals with things differently, but my friend and I have known each other for 26 years and we share a brain, so I felt compelled to write her.

This is some of what I wrote:

Oh honey, my heart is just breaking for you. I know that sudden empty feeling all too well - how can all that hope, anticipation and expectation be gone in an instant? Your mind and body will try to trick you, telling you that there must have been some mistake, maybe the doctors have gotten it wrong. Sometimes you will forget for a moment, just a moment, only to be reminded again. Everywhere you look, it seems there's a glowing woman, rubbing her beautiful round belly, full of promise. A blissful couple pushing a pram, Mummy melting into her baby's eyes, sweet little siblings walking hand in hand.

And it hurts every time.

This will never really go away. It will change you, and I promise that even though it feels like you will never recover from this, you will. There will be times that you'll feel like you've gotten over the worst of it, only to have the wind knocked out of you when you least expect it. Cry, cry, cry - that helps a lot, too. Your perspective on this will change and your emotions will swing from one extreme to the other, sometimes in the span of minutes, sometimes, days. Believe it or not, eventually, it will feel a little further away.

Don't listen to stupid shit people say like "It wasn't meant to be" or "You can try again" or "At least you already have one" or "Everything happens for a reason." Don't let them ask you if the baby was planned, or if you'd been stressed or overexerting yourself, trying to pinpoint the cause and inferring it was something you did wrong. Don't let people gloss over it or call it "the miscarriage" in sentences like "Ever since you had the miscarriage..." It is not "the miscarriage." It is a loss. A tremendous, heartbreaking, hollow loss. A loss that others cannot understand because it wasn't tangible to them.

They mean well. They are just trying to help in their own way, trying to find the right thing to say.

Take the time you need to mourn, because that is what you need to do. I will mourn with you. Hold your other babies tight, squeeze them when you need to. Tell who you want to tell, talk about it, lean on your partner. He will need you, too. He has lost something he didn't have a physical connection to yet, he has lost a dream - a new love he was making room for in his heart. You may feel alone, but you're not. It is not something people like to talk about, but reach out - because there are so many of us that have experienced this loss.

Take it one step at a time. It isn't easy, but you will be okay. Whatever you feel is exactly how you're supposed to feel right now, the path you need to take to navigate your way through this. Please, please know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE, you are so loved and good things will come to you.

I am here for you.

I love you.

Before I shared this, I asked for her permission. I wanted to give her a heads up because I didn't want to trigger anything in her without her being ready for it. I assured her that I wouldn't name names or be specific. This is what she said to me:

"I think that the stigma around pregnancy loss needs to be removed, Stace. It would be easier for women to cope with it if people were more knowledgable. It shouldn't be this shameful thing - especially because that just contributes to the guilt."

She is so right.

Saturday, August 20, 2016

Kid Truths

Me: "I'm sorry."

Kahu: "Why?"

Me: "I'm sorry for being such a grumpy Mummy."

Kahu: "You're not."

(Gives me a huge hug, pulls away, gingerly takes my face in his hands and gazes deeply into my eyes.)

"And all those times when Tahi says you're fat? You're not. Ok? You're not."

I should add here that Tahi has NEVER called me fat (to my face, anyway) soooo ummmm...

Happy Friday! Better go work on my beer gut...

Saturday, July 2, 2016

Pinwheels all day, errrrday! I think I've found my passion, yo! What did I do before these came into my life? They are the ultimate school lunch saviour. Pizza (spinach and cheese) and Vegemite and Cheese Pinwheels. So easy to make and the kids aren't sick of them....yet!

Here's a link to the recipe:

This Is Not How You Eat a Pie

Monday, June 27, 2016

My sons' school had a PTA fundraiser last week - Bogan Bingo Night. It was brilliant - BYO (bring your own) drinks and snacks and get dressed up and act silly. It was great fun. Apparently, that day at school, my son's Year 5 teacher was telling the kids to remind their parents about the fundraiser that night. That's when my son raised his hand.

What he should have said: "My mum's going with a bunch of her well behaved friends to have some good, wholesome fun and raise funds for our school."

What he actually said: "My mum's going, and she'll be DRUNK!"

How do I know this? Numerous mums from his class told me that night. In my defence, they were drunker than me. 
Their kid just didn't sell them out.

(I've protected the identities of my lovely friends here, they do have actual faces.)

Monday, June 13, 2016

The boys were digging around in the yard and found this old car. Crazy to wonder when it was buried by some child - in the 50's or 60's maybe?